Thursday, November 5, 2009

42.....and counting

So what's wrong with the number 42? Nothing, if you have 42 jelly beans. Or if you find 42 dollars in your pocket. It is also Jackie Robinson's uniform number. And my mother was born in 1942. What's my problem with this number? October 29 was my 42nd birthday. Bah Humbug. I tend to look at my birthday as a non-event. In reality, it is my annual "What is wrong with my life" rant.
It usually starts off with "I don't feel I've done anything worthwhile with my life. I'm (insert appropriate age here) years old......" Blah blah blah. Generally, it takes someone a lot prettier and a hell of a lot smarter than me to give me a kick in the ass.
For a long time, my career, or lack thereof, has been a main focus. I've always felt like I should be doing something of importance. It seems more and more during the last 8 or 9 years or so, that I have felt that way. I never realized that I would need a job to define me, or to feel complete. Or to feel that would make my life mean something. A good friend told me that your job is not the be all and end all of who you are. He mentioned that his job is important, but in his words "I'm a mail-room manager, not a heartsurgeon." I think the key to everything is trying to find what you can live with and what is tolerable. Very few people are working in their dream jobs. But I'm having a hard time finding what's "missing" in my life. I have two great kids with another one on the way. I have a beautiful, loving partner who puts up with my crap. My parents and grandmother are still alive. I am taking an anger management course to help me understand and deal with my anger. I have a decent place to live. I have 2 cats and dog who are available to the lowest bidder (just kidding, I think....)
I don't feel that I am lacking in religious views, although I don't think that attending an organized service is for me.....
So I'm putting it out there, what is missing from my life?


  1. "Damn it Jim I'm a mail room manager, not a rocket surgeon." Hmm, now who woulda told you that? *looking upwards and whistling*

    Dude, I've had seemingly everything turned upside down within me since my accident last year. And during this time I've asked myself the same question "What's missing?" Sometimes I still do.

    But what it usually comes down to for me is helping others. Listening, being more compassionate, giving of myself. I've had some great people tell me some intensely personal things about themselves, and I've had the indescribable fortune to be able to not only listen but be trusted enough to help them work through it.

    I'm not saying this is the answer for you, these things are rarely arrived at easily. But sometimes the getting is in the giving.

    Love ya like a brotha. :)


  2. Babe, I wish I could help. I haven't felt that I needed a job/career to help "define" me or fulfill me for a long, long time.

    The only thing I can tell you is what changed my view on it. When I was managing my store in Limeridge Mall & I got the call that our company had gone under.

    I was really upset. Even though it wasn't about my store's performance individually - I felt like I had failed.

    So while I tried to sort things out, I took a job as a carnie and I traveled around Ontario and I had FUN.

    It sounds nuts, I know, but it was fun to not have to worry about so much crap. It was just about how much I brought into my apron (I was a top earner for my employers).

    We were outside, we sometimes slept in tents or in the game trailer, after work, we drank and relaxed.

    But it was really freeing. And I realized that I just had to find something in my life that I really enjoyed (or loved).

    What do I love?

    Being a Mom, being a friend, being your other (better - haha!) half.

    I still struggle with depression and some of my other issues, but it's not a lack of anything in my life NOW that feeds it... it's my extreme difficulty with dealing with and accepting what was in my past.

    I love you.