Y2K? Y2 Lame...

Do you remember what you were doing 10 years ago? Remember all the hype? All the planes were going to fall out of the sky, there was going to be blackouts, people were buying bottled water like crazy,we were all going to be stranded in elevators and everyone's computer was going to crash. Well, many us our still here and nothing happened because of Y2K. By the way, what was so hard about saying 2000 instead of Y2K? Another dumb abbreviation. Alas, like my friend Sandy, I digress. :)
After the 9/11 attack, people in New York and other major cities were afraid to go to the movies, go shopping, ride public transit, and even to step across their front door. While we did have a major blackout, and the attacks gave more people reason to be afraid, most of the fears were unfounded. It seems like every few years, the media finds some new thing to over hype, and to install what I call a controlled panic, in everyone. About 5 years ago it was SARS. This year it was H1N1. And also this year, although I'm sure it will increase as the time draws nearer, is the 2012 conspiracy. This is when the world is supposed to end, boys and girls. The end of the Mayan calender. Doom and Gloom. Death and Destruction. The End of Everything. The Boogie Man is coming. Hubba hubba hubba, who can you trust?
Yourself and your loved ones. Make up your own mind when you are observing the news. Believe in yourself and your own instincts. Don't believe everything you hear. All this crap brings negativity into your life and makes you stress out and worry for no reason. Believe in yourself, your family and friends and in love. We will all still be here enjoying our lives, despite the hype. And with that, here's a couple of great songs that make me feel good, and it's what life should be all about. I want to wish everyone a safe, happy and loving New Year.

Some Memories

Here is a great clip of a great band. The Arrows featuring the late, great Earl Seymour on sax. He was an amazing musician, and I had the pleasure of seeing him play back in the late '80's or early '90's. Can't remember when, but I do remember the show. Lido's down in Toronto's Beaches district. Earl played with many local bands like The Kings, Glass Tiger, Red Rider, Holly Cole, Teenage Head to name a few. And he also played with Blood,Sweat and Tears, as well as a great local band called "The Men from UNCLE". RIP Earl. I wish I could see you play again. This one's for you B.

Independance Day

Often we have things bothering us. A bad relationship, a crummy job, no direction in your life or a boatload of other problems. The key to making a change is to recognize something that is not working in your life and to try and make it better. This takes a lot of soul searching and many times, it is a very hard decision to make. This is a concept I have been thinking about for the last couple of years or so. It is all about achieving your Independance Day. Once you have figured out the problem in your life, and are ready to move on, that is your Independance Day. This can happen at various points in our life. You could have lots of Independance Days or just one. Mine happens to be January 26, 2007. January 26, 2007 happens to be the day I met my soul mate and started my new life. This is the life that I and my partner deserved and wanted for a long time. There are also lots of small ones along the way as well. But your Independance Day doesn't have to be a major event. Whether it is getting fit, losing weight, quittting smoking, changing your job, ending or starting a relationship, or changing a life situation, acheiving your Independance Day(s) is something worth striving for and accomplishing. Plus it makes you feel good. Speaking of which, here is a great video that makes me feel good, it just happens to be Martina McBride's song "Independance Day". She is singing a duet with my favorite female singer Pat Benatar. Just listen to Pat belt out the chorus. What an awesome singer she is. Enjoy everyone and here is to your Independance Day. Cheers!!

Change....

Most times when something is not right in our lives, Change is good. If it is your attitude, your job, your living situation, feeling negative about yourself, then you have to recognize what is not working for you and make that your goal. If it is a bad habit, then do something new long enough to become a new habit. The steps to bring about a change in your life are:

Self Recognition
Realization of Self Worth
A good self-image, or wanting a good self-image
Look in the mirror realistically (looking at yourself)
Reframing your priorities
Recognizing warning signs/patterns
Hard work and effort
Insight
Wanting to change, not doing it because someone told you to

It also starts with how we look at things and how we phrase things. Instead of saying "I hate when you do that" try to make it positive and constructive instead of argumentative. Try something like "It really makes me angry when you do that and this is why I feel this way". Maybe in not so many words, but you get the general idea. It is ok to be angry. It is a normal, healthy emotion just like being happy or sad. The trick is to realize what's coming and recognize the warning signs. Our bodies actually go through physical changes when anger is upon us. Blood pressure rises, we get short of breath, our voices rise, some people shake or cry. The anger inside of you is like a volcano getting ready to erupt. When you can realize what is happening then you can change your reaction and use your emotions constructively.
Communication with yourself and with others is also the key to change and improving your life. Sometimes it takes some pressure and suggestions from the main people in our lives. Sometimes it takes an ultimatum. Or an introspective look at ourselves and to realize things are not working in our lives. If you want to change bad enough, be positive, stay tough on yourself, persevere and work hard. The good things you are striving for will come into your life.

Grrr......

Some people just shouldn't be on this planet. A certain person that I am forced to deal with on a daily basis, still irritates me to no end. This person happens to be my child's mother. She always is complaining and bitching about something. This past weekend, my child was here. Usually I call every night when my child is at their mother's house. And my ex phones here. Because it is long distance and we were visiting friends on Saturday, I texted her that we were out, and my child could text her to say goodnight.
I don't like using my cell for long distance, and I wasn't going to impose on my friends by borrowing their phone. Beside's if my ex has call display, I don't want her having my friends phone number. She texted me back saying it wasn't her problem that I didn't want to call long distance and that it was too much money on my cell, she should be able to speak to my child. What she so stupidly forgotten was that her phone was cutoff for about 2 months, and the only way I could contact my child was once a week, by prior arrangement. I never bitched about it. Although I hated it.
Also this past weekend, I paid my monthly child support. Personally, I think it is bingo and cigarette support. Since I have been out of work for awhile, I was paying it in 2 installments. And that was fine. Yes, even though I was unemployed, I went through all the crappy court paperwork, to have my child support lowered, and I still observed my responsibilities. For the month of December, I paid it in one payment, with Christmas coming, plus the second cheque would have been dated around Dec 25 or so, and I didn't want her complaining about not being able to cash the second cheque until around New Year's. Plus, I also got texted, "Make sure I get my money on Sunday". Excuse me, it's my child's money. Well, it's to be used on her. You get the idea. So what did I get tonight when I phoned? In a bitchy voice, "Why did you change the child support?" Holy crap! Jeez, you're welcome for getting the money all at once this time. Maybe you can use a portion of it to buy my child some decent Christmas presents instead of going to the Dollar Store. You know, it's no wonder I have been going to Anger Management. I don't like wishing bad things on anyone, especially this time of year. But honest to God, sometimes I pray for a runaway bus. I just hope Karma is keeping watch on this situation. What goes around comes around..........I hope. Now, I have to go blog something positive.

Happy Turkey Day

Happy Yanksgiving to all our American neighbours. Although I still feel Thanksgiving is really in early October....

.....80's memories

Heard this on the radio this morning. Love this song. Hope everyone enjoys this.

Seperated At Birth......

Going through some of my old baseball cards this weekend and found these two. It could be just me, but I found they had a striking resemblance to two other well known personalities. What do you think? Personally, I think they are all brothers...

More fav shots

Here are some more favourite pics, mostly taken by the Lovely One, but I took a few as well.

The Lovely One and Little Man.


I love how the sun is shining through the small window.


Not sure where this was. Probably coming home along the 401 somewhere.

The Man

Another person taken from us too soon. I was watching this video this morning and I thought I'd share. Man, nobody could sing like Luther. The last great male R&B singer. RIP Luther and enjoy the clip everyone.

More Favs

A few more for now....

The Trouble Twins at Niagara Falls.

Country road near Grafton, Ontario outside of Cobourg.

Here I come to save the day!!! Yes, it's Mighty Mouse. We pass by here quite often.

Lake Ontario sunset near Port Hope.

Favourite Pics

Once in a while I'm going to post some of my fav photos. Here is the first one of the two most important girls in my life. My honey, the Lovely One, and my daughter Sarah.
I absolutely love this pic. It makes my heart melt.

WWJD?

"A LIFE IS NOT IMPORTANT EXCEPT IN THE IMPACT IT HAS ON OTHER LIVES"-Jackie Robinson


This doesn't stand for what you would usually think. It is most commonly thought of as "What would Jesus Do?" That is fine for people who believe that, and use that as their guideline for life.
I have a harder time identifying with that, especially since I am very lapsed with my religious views. So I have decided that the guideline for me would be WWJD- What Would Jackie Do?
As in Jackie Robinson. The first African American to be allowed to play Major League Baseball. I am currently reading a book called Opening Day.
It is about Jackie Robinson's first season in the Major Leagues. The 1930's and 1940's were a rough time to be African American. An interesting fact that I learned that Jackie's older brother, Mack, finished second to Jesse Owens in the 1936 Olympics, winning the Silver medal. But when Mack came back to the states, while White members of the Olympics found jobs as teachers and athletic coaches, Mack had to take a job sweeping streets and sidewalks. When the owner of the Brooklyn Dodgers, Branch Rickey, decided the time was right for integration, he didn't want a player that was going to roll over and let everyone walk all over him. He wanted a player that would get angry, and be offended, but be able to put the racism behind him, and do what was best for the game. In other words, Mr. Rickey wanted Jackie to take out his anger and frustations on the field. This kind of goes hand in hand with what I have been learning in Anger Management. Not learning how to bury my anger, because it is a normal, healthy emotion. Just like crying, laughing etc. But how to deal with it positively and constructively. I have found reading about Jackie's life very inspiring, although I never got to see him play. But it is more than a book about baseball, or about a baseball player. It is more about a pioneer, and a brave man. We fail to realize sometimes how bad things were then. How would you like to go to a hotel, or restaurant and be told you coluldn't eat or stay there. Or using a separate entrance. Having to use a seperate water fountain. Ride at the very back of the bus or train. Not being able to take a cab driven by a white driver. Showing up for work, knowing you are hated by everyone for no reason. These are some of the things I try to keep in mind when it comes to my relatively miniscule problems. So that's why I try to think "What Would Jackie Do?"

42.....and counting

So what's wrong with the number 42? Nothing, if you have 42 jelly beans. Or if you find 42 dollars in your pocket. It is also Jackie Robinson's uniform number. And my mother was born in 1942. What's my problem with this number? October 29 was my 42nd birthday. Bah Humbug. I tend to look at my birthday as a non-event. In reality, it is my annual "What is wrong with my life" rant.
It usually starts off with "I don't feel I've done anything worthwhile with my life. I'm (insert appropriate age here) years old......" Blah blah blah. Generally, it takes someone a lot prettier and a hell of a lot smarter than me to give me a kick in the ass.
For a long time, my career, or lack thereof, has been a main focus. I've always felt like I should be doing something of importance. It seems more and more during the last 8 or 9 years or so, that I have felt that way. I never realized that I would need a job to define me, or to feel complete. Or to feel that would make my life mean something. A good friend told me that your job is not the be all and end all of who you are. He mentioned that his job is important, but in his words "I'm a mail-room manager, not a heartsurgeon." I think the key to everything is trying to find what you can live with and what is tolerable. Very few people are working in their dream jobs. But I'm having a hard time finding what's "missing" in my life. I have two great kids with another one on the way. I have a beautiful, loving partner who puts up with my crap. My parents and grandmother are still alive. I am taking an anger management course to help me understand and deal with my anger. I have a decent place to live. I have 2 cats and dog who are available to the lowest bidder (just kidding, I think....)
I don't feel that I am lacking in religious views, although I don't think that attending an organized service is for me.....
So I'm putting it out there, what is missing from my life?

Blue People

On Saturday, the Lovely One and I, along with some friends, were very fortunate to go see the Blue Man Group. It was the last show on their 3 year tour. And one of the Blue Men (Mans?) it was his last show ever. The show itself was very interactive with the audience. Great lighting, fantastic music. Starting off the show was the opening act, David Garibaldi. I guess the best way to describe him is "performamce artist" or "performance painter". Although this guy is more than a painter. He paints portraits of famous people to music, while dancing and leaping on stage. And his paint brushes are more than just tools of his trade. They are an integral part of his act. Here is his website
http://www.garibaldiarts.com/

Then the Blue Man Group came on. It was very loud and very awesome, the show was built around the premise of how to attend a rock show, the different moves(fist pumping etc.)to be done during the show. They did a few of their own songs which was very entertaining. Then they had to "pay tribute to their Rock and Roll forebearers",
and they did great renditions of One of These Days by Pink Floyd, I Feel Love by Donna Summer, and the classic Baba O'Reilly.

Things we find amusing.....Part 1

These are some pictures from around K-W and some other locations, that have tickled our funny-bones. Feel free to make some comments, but try to keep it semi-clean. The Restaurant and Laser Hair Removal
sign really bothers me, but everything else gets us giggling like 12 year olds.

......Weird thoughts

Bloggery, bloggery, blog. My mind is in a fog. I don't know what the hell that means. I thought of this the other morning when I was trying to wake up. Just one of those weird thoughts you have when you are trying to surface from the pool of sleep. Hey, I like that.I had a second line for this, but I can't remember it exactly. Something like bloggerty, bloggerty boo. I should keep a dream journal or something. But when I come up with this stuff, I usually want to go back to sleep. I'm too lazy to actually sit up and start writing this crap down. It's probably just as well I don't. I'd probably look back at it and think to myself, "What the hell is going on in my brain?" That's about all I got for now. Live long and prosper.

Lots of Happy Greetings

Thursday October 8, Friday October 9, and Sunday October 11 are some very special days. Thursday is my parents 49th anniversary, Friday is my Dad's 74th birthday, and Sunday is the Lovely One's 37th birthday. Hallmark loves me in October. These are the people I love the most in the world. I am so happy I have these people in my life. So lots of love and best wishes to everyone, I love you all more than anything.

TNG-The Next Generation

Something to add to my Most Memorable Moments in my life. Yesterday, the Lovely One and I went to the ultrasound clinic. Well guess who is going to be a father again, boys and girls? The Lovely One is 13 weeks pregnant. Our due date is April 4, 2010. There is nothing like seeing that little heart beating on the monitor. She is really excited, and so am I, but still getting over the shock. Previously, she had a miscarriage in early June. Apparently, conception was a couple of weeks after. Hence the shock, plus some other factors that raised some eyebrows. So now we are debating baby names. I like conventional names, the Lovely One doesn't. We went for a drive in the country on Sunday, by ourselves, and we were trying to come up with the most outrageous celebrity names. Pretty funny stuff. So I have to say, excitement is more the feeling now than shock or worry. We still can't agree on names yet. We have a boy's name picked out, but the girl's name is a little tougher. She doesn't want anything on the "Top 100" or any names that a celebrity has chosen. No problem. I didn't want to name my child Audio Science, Pilot Inspektor, Moon Unit, Rumer or Scout, Speck Wildhorse, Daisy Boo or Zuma Nesta Rock. What is it with celebs anyway? The Lovely One and I were trying to come up with the most outrageous names.
Some of the better ones were Nuclear Fallout, Solar Radiation, Minor Annoyance etc. I was holding out for Nuclear Fallout (Nuke for short). Mulva was suggested numerous times, and my personal fav "Hemi" as in the musclecar. Would work for a boy or girl. C'mon!!! Ya gotta love Hemi!! And then some Indian names were suggested, but that went nowhere fast. Hmmmmm...
I'm sure we'll figure something out soon, but for right now we are pretty happy and excited and if anyone has any legit responses (note to you B. I'm sure you could come up with some weird ones!) let's hear about them.

Memorable Moments....

Because of my BFF's blog http://life-in-quotations.blogspot.com/ I have decided to try and come up with, not necessarily great, but some memorable moments in my life. I decided to use BFF because I hate it so much and my BFF knows it bugs me. So without much further b.s. by me, here they are in no particular order.

Met and chatted with BB King
Met and chatted with Bill Cosby
Met and had a fairly lengthly conversation with Space Shuttle Astronaut Chris Hauk. He was the first pilot after the Shuttle disaster in 1985.
Met and had a funny conversation with Kevin Smith.
Travelled to England when I was 11 years old.
Visited, while flying, the pilot's cabin coming back from Florida.
On the same flight, survived a several thousand foot drop because of very severe turbulance. It was freaky, alarms going off, stewardesses were freaking out.
Being robbed at gunpoint in Washington, DC when I was 15 or 16.
Survived a T-Bone collision. The person hit the driver's door at full speed.
Received many autographs from some of my favorite sports and entertainment stars.
Fathering a beautiful healthy child who is now 9 years old.
Being step-dad to another wonderful kid.
Meeting The Lovely One.
Seeing a former star baseball player, who was attending a convention I was at, come in and use the washroom at the same time I was, and not wash his hands. Glad I got my autograph BEFORE that.
Driving way up north, to go see one of my favorite bands, with nowhere to stay on a holiday weekend, and getting to hang out with them after the show, and hear the new songs for their next album.
Moving to a new city, knowing only 1 person.
Knowing some wonderful people who had taken their own lives.
Knowing some wonderful people who died too soon.
Knowing and being friends with wonderful people right now.

That's about it, I'm sure I'll be able to come up with more if I ponder this topic some more. I guess my life hasn't been as boring as I thought.

RIP....Icons of My Youth

I'm sure I'm not alone in feeling this way. The people I enjoyed watching and listening to, are passing on. It makes me realize my own mortality, and that our idols are as vulnerable as we are. And it has been people who were very talented, and that have left us way too soon.
Some of the people on my list that I miss

Patrick Swayze
Farrah Fawcett
Michael Jackson (yes, admit it. You liked him back in the day)
Jeff Healey
John Ritter
Robert Palmer
John Hughes
Christopher Reeve
Stevie Ray Vaughn
John Candy
Michael Hutchence
Chris Farley (never really a fan, but still he left us too soon)
Phil Hartman
John Belushi
Gilda Radner
George Harrison
Roy Orbison
Brad Delp (lead singer of Boston)
George Carlin
Kirby Puckett

There are of course many others who have passed on. While it is also sad when older stars die, such as Johnny Carson, Bob Hope etc., I think when celebrities reach a certain age, say over 70, the public figures that it is "just a matter of time" and that "they lived a good life". But it is harder when a celebrity is closer to our own age. It seems more tragic when a star is relatively young. And we look back and see photos, and clips and we think "How can he (she) be dead?"
If you look at the clip of Patrick Swayze on Saturday Night Live, doing the Chippendale's sketch, or in "Roadhouse", you think "How can he die of cancer?" How can someone that seemed so vital and full of life die at such a (relatively) young age? Fortunately, for us we have the music, the performances and the benefits of their careers to enjoy.

Getting caught up

So I spent a few days with my Mom and Dad. It was nice to have a break, spent some extra time with my daughter. I had to visit my family doctor, get some immunization shots for school this month. I still have to go back next week, and stay for a couple of days.
I decided to go and visit my Grandfather at the cemetary, since I hadn't been there for awhile. As I was standing there for a few minutes, gazing upon his marker in the Memorial Wall, I happened to notice a pot of flowers at my feet. Someone visited one of their loved ones who had passed, obviously. As I looked up from the flowers, I noticed another marker and it was someone I knew, but I never knew that he had passed away in 2008. I had to think for a bit, first to get over the shock, and then to figure out if it really was the same person. Doing the quick math, I realized it was the same person. It was the son of my former boss. And he was 22 years old. I was very upset by this, as my old boss and his wife are great people. I quickly phoned my former place of employment, and spoke to the receptionist who is a friend of mine and she told me the story. It turned out that he had a brain tumor and by the time it was discovered, not much could be done about it. She told me that she thought I knew about it, but nobody told me and I had been a my former work a few times in 2008. But then I guess, it's not exactly the way to start off a conversation. "By the way guess who died...". I felt really bad, and wasn't sure if I was able to go and visit my boss. I wouldn't know what to say now, I thought about sending a card, but it has been over a year now, I don't want to open any wounds. I know how I would feel if it was one of my children. Actually I don't. But I'm not sure I would want to be reminded of it, after a year, regardless if it was well-meaning. I guess you should be thankful for every single day, and if you have children, love and cherish them, and be thankful for all the joy in your life. It must be horrible for a parent to have to bury your child.

Stalking

I'm very happy with myself. I have been stalking this guy for months. I would see him when I was out walking my dog. Sometimes, off in the distance. Sometimes up close. Always trying to get a picture. I would run back to the house, and grab the camera, yelling "I saw him!!" The Lovely One shook her head and rolled her eyes. So off I went. And then on the way back, as soon as I got close enough to take a picture, he would take off. It was like he could hear me turning on the camera, hear the shutter opening. Turning his head as I zoomed the lens in closer, then high-tailing it out of there. Once in a while, I would go to his hang out and just observe. It was usually in the early evening when he would appear. Sometimes it was mid-afternoon. A couple of times, he was standing there taunting me. Daring me to try and get closer. As soon as I took the dog back home, because if I approached him with the dog in tow, the dog would probably bark and scare him off, I would be off to try and take a few pictures. I was partially successful earlier this summer. As I approached my elusive prey, off he would go. Then I tried getting to him from the other direction. No luck there either. I ended up taking a few pictures, but I was too far away. And he looked like a greyish smudge in the pictures. So on Thursday this week, I was out on my afternoon stroll with the mutt, and there he was. Standing there, so regal and proud. Unaware that his stalker was gazing upon him. I quickly took the pooch back home, grabbed the camera. Hopefully, he was still there. I got back to his favourite spot, and as luck would have it, he was still standing there. I quietly made my way up to him. Cursing the camera to be quiet, I got him on screen, and he turned his back on me. Standing there sweating in the afternoon sun, I was whispering "Come on, you S.O.B. Turn around!" Finally he did. I zoomed in once, and snapped my prize. Then I zoomed in closer, and was blessed with another picture. Because of the bright daylight, I couldn't really see the pics on the camera until I got back home. Once I did, I was very pleased I had captured my prey. The elusive Blue Heron.

Feeling OK

OK, so after that last post, and getting rid of all that negative energy, time to start feeling postive.
I never realized how exhausting, being around bad feelings, and negative thoughts and energies, and how it affects your body, spirit and mind. Blech!!!! I have never really believed in that stuff, auras and whatever. But Dayum!!! I felt like crap, after dealing with everything. One good thing, for two consecutive days, two totally different people, whom I just met, commented on how positive my aura was, and how positive my energy was.
I was at the same location both days, but it was two different people, who didn't interact at all. Yay for me!!! I feel good....da da da da da da da (James Brown eat your heart out). So after everything, the Lovely One and I just wanted to hibernate at home, and go off the grid for a while. Plus we were kid-less, yippee!! Ate too much junk food, stayed up late watching movies. But best of all, the Lovely One and I just had a chance to hang out together, which was great. All in all, it was a good weekend.
The Lovely One attended a Body Works session which I think will be really good for her.
She has been having a rough time lately, being very emotional and stressed, and not exactly feeling up to par. She seems to feeling pretty good and feeling relaxed. It's a good thing.
Positive====Good. Negative========Bad!!!
Anyway that's it for now guys and gals. Yap at you later

F---U and the horse you rode in on...

How can people be so stupid.....

An aquaintance I wrote about in a previous post, has screwed up so badly that I wonder if they wanted to get caught. This person stayed at our house for a period of time, on our couch. Apparently, he said he was getting his life back on track.

This person, who (whom) I`ll identify as G., was also staying with mutual friends. It seems that G was charged with assault on his ex(more on that later). Part of his release, was a surety bond. Part of the guarantee, was no contact with the ex. Any violation of this, G could go back to jail. And our friends would have to pay over $1000.

G and his ex (who I'll identify as L) L, have a child that has been taken away from them. Well, G seemed to be getting better, taking his meds, doing some work, finding a new apartment etc. All this time, he was saying he was moving on, he wasn`t going back to L, blah blah blah.

In the last couple of weeks, G had started acting weird. It turns out that G was in contact with L. G and L knew it was against the order, but they communicated anyway.

He also totally disrespected the people he was staying with, and totally disrespected my partner who has been there for him more than anyone else. Everything he was saying was what everyone wanted to hear. So it ended when the police were called.

What I realized from this is that there are only certain people you can trust. And that there are other forms of addiction, that there is no help for.

I am very lucky that I have a circle of friends that I would trust with anything. Some here where I live, and some awesome long-time friends, B. from high school and his lovely wife S. But this person is done, so done. He will never be welcome here, or be involved with my family again. Some people are not with helping and not worth saving.

Still Here

Yes, here I am. Been feeling kind of crappy the last few days. You watch the news over the last few weeks, and there were stories on "When is Summer going to arrive?" and "When is it going to warm up?" etc. Well, do you know what? I like temperatures in the mid 20's with no humidity. I like not being drenched in sweat as soon as I get off the couch. Not only that, I feel completely unmotivated to do anything, and by early afternoon, it's nap time. Uugghh....Humidity sucks....
So, I've been feeling a lot better about things in general. Been having some good times hanging out with our friends S&A, and K&R. Plus we had my daughter here for two weeks. This time around, both kids were more well behaved, very little drama. Less drama....goooood. The Lovely One has started taking a few steps to get herself back on track, but it's hard on her. She buries a lot of stuff. We've had a few "discussions" (loud ones) over usually stupid things.....but I think that's a result of both of us being around each other a bit too much. Hmmmmm.....
So, I've got a lot going on in the next month or so....hopefully starting school on September 22...I have to get immunized for everything, buy my books, get back into a routine of getting up early.
But, I also get to spend a few days with Mom and Dad, since my family doctor is out of town. Just hope I feel ok after getting a bunch of shots....Later

Surprises....Good and Bad

To all my fan out there (yes, I meant to leave off the "s"), sorry I haven't blogged for a while. This last week or so has been pretty stressful. The Lovely One was a bit stressed out because she was "late". As in, LATE. I told her that because she was stressed, that was probably the reason. It has happened before for that reason. This went on for a few days, so she decided to take THE TEST. Actually, it ended up being about 4 of them. So it turns out, that the Lovely One is pregnant. I know a lot of couples use the term "We're pregnant" but that has always bugged me, plus it's medically impossible. But I digress.
Anyway, we talked about this before, and the fact that I wasn't crazy about having more kids at this point in my life. And her pregnancy with her son was fairly difficult. I had it in my mind of getting the snip-snip. Just never got around to it. At least, that's what I'm telling myself. So she was really happy, I was as well, but a bit overwhelmed. I was worried about our living situation, my non-working situation, my daughter situation etc...
We told a few select friends, and my parents. It was very early in her pregnancy. Lovely One was very happy and joyous and blogging up a storm. For me, it would take a few more weeks or a month or two to get to the same state she was at. It's just the way guys are wired. We don't feel that emotional attachment right away. Maybe it's because us guys can't see anything for a few months. I'm really not sure. I wish it was different, but there it is. So after a couple of days, Lovely was feeling crampy and the usual. Now, her worst fears are starting to come to pass. Long story short, she felt like she lost the baby. After getting the official test back from the doctor, it was true. She was very emotional, and depressed about it. I was upset as well, but mainly for her. I don't want to be seen as being detached, or that I don't care. But at the stage we were at, it wasn't ready to happen yet. It was best for everyone. Baby included. I'm very sorry for her, and how she is feeling. Plus afterward, she felt and was scared that, we would not try again. She was very happy at the outset, and now felt that this was her last chance and now the door is closed. I promised her that since I saw how it made her feel, we will try again. She seems to be ok now. But my lack of emotion, or not feeling as much as the Lovely One was, does not mean a lack of caring. As I explained, it's different for us. I wish it was different. Next time when everything is ok, it will be better.

Blah

This is how I've been feeling lately. Apathetic towards everything. I'm still feeling depressed, although it doesn't seem as if it's happening as frequent. Maybe I'm wrong....I'm still trying to figure out what direction I should take concerning my next "career". The problem right now is that the employment agency that is helping me, because of how many people are out of work, I can't get in to speak to someone about career options, where my interests lie etc. until mid June.
Sucks. I'm not feeling too great about myself right now. Just been doing a lot of reading and relaxing. I'm definitely sleeping too much (for a change). All I want to do is stay inside. It is not healthy for sure, but that's how it is. My participation in my hobbies has dropped right down to zero, it's not great. One of the books I just finished is Over the Boards by former Toronto Maple Leaf, Ron Ellis. While I enjoyed it from a sports fan's perspective, the chapter I found most interesting was about his battle with depression for about 10 years. Reading about it gave me some insights to my own battle. Here was a person who lived his dream, played on the 1967 Stanley Cup team, competed against all the greats, scored over 300 goals, and had a long and successful career, and he went through a lot of the same things that are happening to me. I learned that I am smack dab in the middle of the typical age range for males (35-50).
All of the following is what I'm feeling at this point:

• Loss of interest in normal daily activities
• Feeling sad or down
• Feeling hopeless
• Mood swings
• Problems sleeping (sleeping too much, interrupted sleep or not enough sleep
• Trouble focusing or concentrating
• Difficulty making decisions
• Appetite change - unintentional weight gain or loss
• Irritability, feeling edgy
• Restlessness
• Being easily annoyed
• Feeling fatigued or weak
• Feeling worthless, self-loathing, feeling like a failure
• Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches

I know it's not something that I can "snap out of". I'm not sure what the problem is, or what the next step is......
Until next time.....

Just wondering...

If there is such a thing as Bigfoot, and there is more than one of them, is the plural form Bigfeet?
Bigfoots? Sasquatches? Sasquatchii?

I Don't Get It.....

Sometimes I wonder about people....I have an acquaintance/friend I will call Q. He is with the mother of his child currently. I will call her Z. Their relationship is stormy at the best of times. They have both had their problems, both mental and physical, as well as addiction. Personally, I think the best thing for Q is to totally call it quits with Z, figure out visitation/custody of the child, and move on with his life. Z has mood swings that shift from minute to minute, or that's how it appears to me. Although I could be wrong. I barely know Z. But I can see enough, that I think that Q would be better off without Z. He says that it is over between them (or has said it), but it seems they are sort-of, kind of, maybe/maybe not together again. Q is a decent looking guy (all I can say, coming from a hetero point of view). Maybe he feels that she is the best he can do? I understand that he loves Z, but sometimes you can't be a rescuer. I guess sometimes you can't figure out the power some people hold over other people, and that there are different forms of being addicted, not just drugs or alcohol. But Q and Z are both adults, and although my partner has known Q almost forever and is very fond of him, I think both her and I realize that you have to let people live their lives and make mistakes. Dealing with other people's stress and problems just brings it into your own life. Hopefully, Q and Z can figure out something that works for them, and they can get the help they need and move on. I guess the main point here is for them to clean up, smarten up, and try and be good parents for their young one.

Healing Music

When I broke up from my daughter's mother towards the end of 2005, I was left with a lot of really bad feelings, ranging from hurt, anger, betrayal, feeling played for a fool, shock etc.
Being a big music fan (although my tastes are pretty limited, some would say...) one of the ways that I sought out to start feeling better was through music. There were many long lonely nights, after putting my daughter SJ to bed that were spent listening to downloaded music and CD's.

One of my favourite albums at the time was "Disciplined Breakdown" by Collective Soul. I found the lyrics and the music soul-healing, especially one song in particular "Link". The chorus of the song was meaningful for me and I adopted the phrase as my quote to help me make it through the dark days.

With my anger well diffused
The link to love I now may choose
With my heart no more abused
The link of love I now may use

I printed this out, and taped it to the inside cover of a journal I was writing at the time. I also listened to a lot of BB King, my main song being a great one called "There's Always One More Time". It is one of his best songs, that starts off slow, but has soaring vocals and his trademark playing of Lucille, and I found the song very inspirational. Another fav band is Simple Minds, and the song "Sanctify Yourself". The line "Set yourself free" was another personal motto that I took as my own to help myself feel better. There was lots of other songs, and other artists, of course, but those are the main ones that come to my mind.

Nut in a Lifeshell (aka How I came up with this name)

So, the last few months or so (maybe longer), I have been feeling depressed. I figured out that maybe it was a good time to start examining my life. My job was not doing anything for me, I felt there was something missing. My relationship with The Lovely One was about the only good thing in my life at that point. Sometimes I felt so frustrated that I wanted to scream, or do something destructive. I felt at times that I was about 1 step away from having a breakdown. Often at work, I would phone the Lovely One, and tell her how depressed I was. I felt like at any given moment, I would either burst into tears, or explode with anger. It felt like I was going "Nuts". And many people believe that our bodies are just a shell while we are here on Earth, and that our true life is in what happens when we pass on. So hence, our bodies are our "Lifeshell".
Plus it was kind of a corny play on words.
In January 2009, I started seeing a therapist. And around the end of the month, after knowing their whereabouts for over a year, I finally made a big step and decided out-of-the-blue to contact my longtime friends B&S. I have known B since high school and was around when he met his wife, the lovely S. But crap and life happens, and due to circumstances that I call the Lost Decade (which I might talk about later) we fell out of touch. It bothered me for a long time, and because we were out of touch, I did not attend their wedding. It is something that I deeply regret and am truly sorry that I missed. But it was definitely a positive first step in finding my way back to the "Old Me" before The Lost Decade. It's great to be around positive people and old friends who knew you "way back when". I feel like I'm on my way back, and that my life is starting over. Plus getting into the warmer weather will certainly help me feel better. Life is OK right now.

Bucket List

For those of you who saw the movie, you know what this is. If not, it's basically a TO-DO List of things I want to do before I die.

1. Marry The Lovely One (figured I'd better put this first)
2. See my kids grow up and be successful.
3. See a baseball game in every Major League city
4. Walk on the Great Wall of China
5. Do the Canopy tour in the Haliburton Forest
6. Find a profession that I find I can live with
7. Own a vintage car/muscle car
8. Walk my daughter down the aisle
9. Go to the final game of the World Series
10.Travel across Canada
11.Get my kicks on Route 66
12.See the pyramids
13. Scotland
14. Ireland
15. Australia
16. Spring Training in Florida or Arizona
17. The National Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, NY
18. Own a house
19. Stop being depressed
20. Learn to barbecue

Easter Weekend

I have been feeling pretty good for the last week or so, for a change. Our friend M has been hanging out here while he gets his life back on track. We ended up having a kid-less weekend for Easter. YAY!!! Went to S&J's and rocked out playing Rockband on Friday. Saturday we headed to Ajax to see my great, longtime friends B&S, whom I recently got back in touch with. Great conversation, and awesome food was the order of the day. Thanks guys!! We'll do it again soon! After losing track of time (good times will do that), we headed out at 11:30pm to head to downtown TO. The Lovely One wanted to go to a bar where one of her old friends was DJ'ing. (Is that a proper word?). So, being the good sport I am, we went. Our musical tastes are quite different, but I figured this was brownie points for later (Heh heh). Some stoned-out guy there offered to buy me a drink. I was like "Thanks dude, but I'm ok". He was kinda weird. Got home around 430 am, after having 2 double cheeseburgers at MCD's at 4am. Yummy breakfast!!
Since my rock-star juices were flowing, headed back to S&J's for more Rockband. Crazy M got his hair re-styled and dyed, the lovely one got her bangs cut, S. gave J.a mohawk then shaved him to the wood, and I wrecked my throat trying to be Roger Daltry. All in all, an awesome weekend with our most cared about friends.

What happens now?

Hmmm....interesting question. I guess these are my mid-life crises. I'm using the plural form since there are a few. Boy I wish could afford a Ferrari....oh wait, maybe I can!! Well, here I am at 41 years old. Unemployed. In therapy. Mild depression. YAY!! Could life be any better? Oh yeah, we also got snow in K-W on APRIL 6!!! BTW, sarcasm is one of my charms.

At this point, after being in the auto parts industry for nearly 20 years, I think it maybe time for retraining. I just wish I could figure out what path to take...
I've never had a clear-cut idea of what I wanted to be when I grow up. BTW, I did see a post for a Chicken Catcher on the job bank website. I just sort of fell into jobs and stayed with them. But I've always had the notion that I wanted to do something that was fulfilling. That may not be possible, and logically, that fulfillment might have to come from elsewhere, meaning my personal life with my family and friends. Maybe this blog will help.

I'm hoping that this blog can help to make me happy. That's pretty much it. Post some photos, write a little blurb, stuff I find interesting that is going on in my life. Some friends and loved ones wiser than me, have started to do the same. I don't know how often I am going to update this. I guess the best answer is, whenever. But I hope this outlet will be part of the total solution to feeling ok again.